A little late to the party but some recent long-term illness has given me time to finally get back into The Witcher 3, a game I’d set aside as being too long to play due to work and family commitments. Wow, I know it’s a few years old, but the game still looks amazing and I can only imagine the effort that was required to create some of the most involving and entertaining quests I’ve encountered in any role-playing game. I find it remarkable that had I made different decisions, I would never have seen most of the following, rather brilliant, story and gameplay (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!).
I am (I think) about two-thirds of the way through and have just returned to Kaer Morhen, home of the Witchers, to lift a curse. My old flame Yennefer (who is needed to help lift said curse) is rather upset with me since I informed her that my previous feelings for her were the result of a genie’s, now broken, spell and I’m actually in love with her fellow sorceress and friend, Triss. In fact, she has thrown her bed out of the castle window as it had some of Triss’ red hair on it.
Despite seeing that she is clearly upset I decide to push her into a conversation about her attitude to me and Triss. The conversation leads to her accusing me of cheating on her with Triss for over a year. This is pretty much correct, but for my own depraved entertainment I choose the dialogue option that informs her it was because I had lost my memory… a flimsy excuse given that I found out I’d been in a relationship with her not long after losing it. At this point she (understandably) loses her temper and shouts that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
A magical portal opens beneath my feet and moments later I find myself in mid-air, fifty feet above the middle of the large lake near Kaer Morhen. This is an unexpected though thoroughly deserved end to the conversation. Humbled, I make the long, damp journey back to Kaer Morhen in order to apologise.
Later that evening there’s a bit of down time in the action so I decide to have a drink or 10 with my Witcher buddies in order to drown the day’s relationship and curse-based sorrows. This leads to some drunken admissions of brotherly love for one another before an entertaining game of ‘I Have Never’ (a throwback to my real-life unruly youth!). By now thoroughly inebriated, one of my Witcher friends disappears when he goes to get another bottle of booze.
A drunken, stumbling search following wine stains (I’d also opened a real beer at this point to add to the effect) reveals that he’s passed out in the castle gardens with a goat for company. The evening climaxes when I and my companions drunkenly decide to dress in some of Yennefer’s clothing in order to contact some other lady sorceresses through her megascope (magical skype). The plan doesn’t make much sense but then, neither do many things done after over indulging in the drink.
Dressed in some rather fetching dresses, we make a real mess of reciting the necessary magical incantations and instead of seeing an alluring elven sorceress through the megascope, the rather less appealing form of Cyrus Hemmelfart (leader of the Eternal Fire witch hunters) is revealed sitting on the toilet. He panics, fearing that the Circle of Sorceresses has finally come to exact it’s revenge on him (and at being caught on the John).
It is at this point that a rather annoyed Yennefer walks in to put an end to the night’s festivities. The morning after, everyone is feeling a bit rough, though those who were more sensible have little sympathy, and chief Witcher Vesemir doesn’t hesitate to inform me that I stink of stale booze. 10/10.
Can’t wait for Cyberpunk 2077… I just hope I can find the time to play it!
TheMilkybarKid (UK) – Steam ID